Monday, 8 May 2017

13 Reasons Why Review

I watched a series called '13 Reasons Why' on Netflix and couldn't stop watching. Lots of people recommended me to watch it but I really thought I wouldn't like it and was adament I would never watch. But once I finished 'Girl Boss' (Yes, I have finished it already), I needed something to watch the week after my marathon as I was going to relax, sleep and eat whatever I wanted. 

This was a hard series to watch at times, but so informative and in a way inspiring. The acting, was spot on.  It shown parts of reality, that people are going through these horrible situations whilst everyone else is rushing around dealing with their own lives, not thinking about others and hooked on social media. 

Mental health, bullying, rape, are all topics that need to be talked about a lot more, and finally there is a series that addresses them. Many generations have brushed over their feelings, emotions and situations and finally there is a generation that actually wants to talk. 

It makes you realise, watching this series, when someone says they are not ok, to be there for them. I know for a fact I have said many times I am not ok, and it hurts when not many people are there for you. But you kind of have to keep talking about it to get through it, and eventually there will be a person that listens. 


Friday, 5 May 2017

I Can't Stop!

I wrote a post a long time ago all about hair pulling. Trichotillomania it's called. I had only just found out what it was called when I wrote that post, but all I knew was that I couldn't stop pulling my hair out. 

I wanted to write this post as not many people know about it, and I have heard that some people around me have started doing it too. I get so upset looking at my, what was beautiful hair, to now a bald, thin haired 22 year old that is now struggling to cover up the fact I have no hair at the top of my head. I get so scared my hair bobble will go loose and my hair will show the horrible damage I have done to myself. 

Many people don't take hair pulling seriously, but it is a form of self harm, a way to deal with stress and maybe even a comfort when upset. I no longer realise I pull my hair and is now a habit. I have been for counselling, to the doctors, had hypnosis, acupunture, the list carries on, but I still do it. I was told I need to stop hiding from my fears and problems and deal with the emotions I try and put to the back of my head. I need to deal with everything and then maybe I will be able to stop. 

Do you know anyone who suffers? 


Monday, 1 May 2017


It's been a challenging six months emotionally and physically. From getting donations to training at the gym, running and then still trying to find energy to do all the day to day jobs in between. But it's finally over!

Sunday 23rd April 2017, one of the scariest, best days of my life. And  I can officially say I'm one of the finishers from the London Marathon. Also, I hit my sponsor target and then some!!

I was surprised how upbeat and positive I was feeling on the day, yes there were nerves, but I just wanted to get to that finish line. The emotions that went through my body on that day was like a rollercoaster. At times I was focused, calm, happy and at other times I was in pain, emotional and crying. 14 miles in my knee decided it had enough and from there to the end I really struggled. I felt myself moaning 'is it over yet',my knee in serious pain, 'where are my friends and family' and was feeling anxious and upset that I hadn't seen them yet. But at mile 22, I finally seen them, got my knee support on and limped to the finish line.

Stumbling up The Mall was so emotional, I had watched The London Marathon for many, many years on the TV, always saying 'I will do that one day' and it felt so surreal. Walking,cryingg and on my phone either taking photos or videos, I was near that finish line. I have never felt so happy to think I had accomplished a marathon.

All the stick I got, all the judging that I wouldn't be able to do it, all the pain I went through, it was so worth it, because I actually did it. People may say my time isn't very good, or I didn't try hard enough, but guess what? I no longer care what anyone says, I am proud of myself for the first time in my life.

I really hope the hospital I raised money for, who cared for my Grandad when he had cancer until the day he passed away really appreciates the money and can help others and make them fight cancer. Two days before the marathon was the day my Grandad closed his eyes for the last time and was his one year anniversary, I just knew he would of been watching and shouting at me to carry on going.


Monday, 20 March 2017

I've had lip filler again!!?

In October 2015, I had lip filler as I felt insecure and listened to people's insults and took them to heart. Now it's 2017, I don't care as much of others opinion if they say a comment about how I look. If I want to spend money on lip filler, I will. If I want to change the way I look, for me and for no one else, I will. 

Growing confidence and trying to 'love yourself' is a process that will probably go on forever. My lips will always be slightly wonky and go back to how they were before, but lip filler has gave me the confidence to smile and not worry that my gums are showing. To not feel as insecure as I used to. 

There is such a stigma around lip filler that it's bad or it looks awful, but what my advice would be to anyone and I know people say it all the time, do your research before going ahead with it. 

Lip filler can be expensive, depending on how much product you have and what brand of product you have. You will be very disappointed spending all that money and doing no research if you come out having lips that look like tyres or seriously bruised and botched up. And yes, the practitioner may have the qualifications, but do they do it well? Find out all about them!

If you do have lip filler, don't freak out the same day or a few days after if the lips swell, they get bigger when you have them done, I always think they look slightly better a bit more swollen (that sounds weird, but if you have had yours done you may feel the same.) Also, don't freak out by any bruising, that soon goes away too. 

Be careful and do your research and enjoy your new lips!

 This is the first time I hap lip filler:
 Second attempt: first picture, slighting wonky again, second photo tried to even them out.


Friday, 17 March 2017

Helping Others With Their Skin

Since posting photos of my skin journey on social media, I have had a lot messages from friends and strangers asking what I used and what I did to 'make it look so good.'

So what's the secret?  With most cases, it can be so simple, a basic skincare routine. Keeping yourself hydrated and having a good diet would work. Then again, it could be all hormonal, which makes it a little different.  Depending on how hormonal you are and how bad the acne is depends on what to do. I had hormonal acne, but I wouldn't say it was severe, I tried different skin treatments and that seemed to help a lot, what could work for me, may not work for you as everyone is different. I tried to change my lifestyle and diet but the majority of the process was having a great skincare regime. Finding products and ingredients that helped and nourished my skin instead of drying it out or making it oily, sensitive or uncomfortable changed the way my skin was, not just to look at, but underneath the skin too.

A lot of people think that if they have clear skin, they don't need to wash their face at all or a lot. I know a lot of people like that.There is also people that 'don't see the point' in an SPF50 everyday if it's not super hot outside. What they don't know is that UVA and UVB rays are everywhere. Protecting your skin is crucial, from ageing to dehydration, It's all important.

So what I'm trying to say is, If you suffer with acne or if you don't, look after your skin. If you have insecurities about your skin or if you don't, look after your skin.

Have a good skincare routine, your products don't have to be super expensive. But think about below the layer of skin you can see, that needs cleaning too.


Monday, 13 March 2017

Reflecting whilst walking

When life gets crazy and you feel stressed or got lots on your mind,what do you do? I go for a walk. I find this helps so much, walking in the woods, in the countryside or just walking to the shops, you get to think about everything. Without being on your phone connecting with most of the world, you are connecting to nature, to yourself.

I have been 'working on myself' for quite a while now, making myself a better, more confident person. Making a life for myself, learning from my mistakes, not letting people control or use me and trying to make better decisions. This is one of the hardest things I have had to. Truly focusing on  yourself is harder than you think. It's still working progress, but I really feel that taking a bit of time out of my day, walking, reflecting, even meditation, it has changed my life.

I have even tried to get my Nanna out walking, even though she moans all the way there and all the way back, it's good for both of us. We reflect on life, on what we want to do in the future, she has a good ol' gossip to me, we share what's making us happy and unhappy and it's great. Those two miles we walk to my Grandad's grave makes us closer, able to talk to each other about anything and everything, and even though she says she hates going, secretly she loves it!

Now that might sound a bit silly, but I bet you have found yourself having a little walk when stressed helps too!


Friday, 3 March 2017

Training for a marathon is HARD!!

Who knew training for a marathon would be so hard. There's the saying 'Everything you ever wanted to know about yourself, you would learn in 26.2 miles.' I haven't ran that far yet, but already I am learning about myself more, listening to my body, growing as a person. 

You have to run, obviously, but you also have to be strong, mentally and physically. Some people find it easy to  run without stopping. I get cross and put so much pressure on  myself whilst training that if I have to walk inbetween runs, I will beat myself up over it. I think I am lazy. How do people even do short runs without taking breaks? It's because it is all in the mind, and I am not mentally strong enough yet to just keep positive. 

If I new how physically and mentally demanding training for a marathon would be, I would of started training a long time ago!! It takes so much time up and exhausts your body. But it is so worth it for the cause I am running for. 

I used to exercise a lot in high school, had a very high metabolism, used to run a lot in school and loved P.E. Once I hurt my knee and also moving to my next school, people didn't seem to like sport and I didn't want to be the only one that did so went along with everyone else. Which I regret massively. Since running again, it makes me think how well I used to run, winning races and it makes me want to get fitter than ever. 

I got a letter the other day saying 'If you don't finish it, no one will judge you' but of course I will finish it. I haven't spent time, effort and money in training super hard to not complete it. This is a physical challenge, but also something that will change me and my life. 

26.2 miles is a long way to run, and all these different emotions are running through me, hoping and praying I will be able to do it. And if it is all in the mind, PMA (Positive Mental Attitude.) I WILL DO THIS!


Tuesday, 28 February 2017

My Acne Journey

Hormones, one thing that everyone has to put up with. Whether it's bad periods, mood swings, bad breakouts, they are awful.

I always had dry, sensitive skin with bad Eczema, my skin would literally flake off and crave moisture. I was in school and having the driest skin which made me feel uncomfortable. It was prom and my mum had bought me my first foundation, way too light, and just absorbed into my skin straight away so I looked a cakey, flaky mess. 

And then I had recently turned 18, I was a bit late to the party where periods were involved and had not long started the process of being a 'woman'. My periods had got so bad sometimes, I decided to go to the doctors. One of my friends had an implant herself and told me how it would really help with my period pains etc. So I tried it as she was getting on so well with it. Three months in, I was a mess, my excessively dry skin had calmed but what was this? Oil?! I started to get lumps under my skin, my hormones raging, shouting at people. crying in hysterics over nothing, and the worst, acne. Sore spots, redness, still a bit of dryness, but more oil. I had just turned eighteen, I wanted to go out partying and not look hideous. People around me used to say I wasn't clean because I had spots but I was washing my face so why was I getting spots? 

I eventually had the implant taken out, and even though I was an emotional person, the mood swings and crying stopped slightly. But every time I looked in the mirror I was ashamed. 

These were the days I was studying makeup at college and then went onto beauty therapy. Having facials seemed to help but the spots were everywhere. In 2015, I got a job in a skin clinic. I learnt so many things about the skin, about different products and their ingredients and really became to love skincare and enjoyed trying to help others around me with their skin and teaching them everything I was learning. I spent most of my wages on products hoping, praying I would get clear skin. I made myself a strict routine, and most importantly taking my makeup off properly. 

I still wasn't happy with my skin, so decided to have some skin treatments at the clinic. I had a few different chemical peels and a treatment called Derma Pen, this was to battle with the scarring after I got rid of most of the spots.  

OK, so the acne had gone, or was on it's way, Hurray! But then there was the scarring. So hard to cover up, so red and angry looking. It still looked like I was spotty when I wasn't.  I know a lot of people that haven't suffered with acne that hardly wash their face, don't moisterise or even have a skin routine and they weren't spotty. I was upset, self conscious and feeling unconfident. Comparing myself to others was the worst thing I could do, but why wasn't everyone else spotty like me? I had a boyfriend and hated taking my makeup off and showing my bare, face with redness everywhere. I was officially insecure and so unhappy. I didn't want anyone to look at me or notice me, I would pile on makeup which didn't help and I was so nervous and anxious that people would stare at my spots. I felt silly. 

Now, it's February 2017, I have never been happier with my skin. I never thought the day would come that I would walk out the house makeup free, maybe not as confident as I should be as I'm still working on that, but grateful. Looking back on my journey, It was hard, I think a lot harder as I was younger, because teenagers get insecure a lot more than adults. I feel like I have grown a lot, grown up a lot even, but learnt to appreciate and be grateful a lot more. Grateful for the journey I went through as I wouldn't be the person I am today without it. You may think I sound silly as we are only talking about skin, but for most people, it's a massive deal. I spent a lot of money trying to figure out what was good for my skin and what wasn't. What treatments, ingredients, products I could use to help. In my eyes the money was nothing, I could look at myself in the mirror and actually stand there and look at myself and I think that was the most important thing. I go on and on about self worth, self love and self care quite a lot recently, but it really is so important. Feel confident in your own skin/body. Because it'll be the only one you have been given. 

My skin will always be a work in progress, but you have to keep going! 


Monday, 20 February 2017

Money or Happiness?

At my age, people say you should be working harder than ever, saving every penny you earn so you can buy your own place, and exhausting every part of your body just to earn a good living. Don't get me wrong, I would love to own my own house and I hope one day in the future I will be able to do that. And of course I want to earn a good wage so I can enjoy my life and not have to worry about not having enough. But is that enough?

I decided to cut my hours down at work so I would be working four days a week instead of five and now I am constantly being asked if I'll be OK. If I am going to be able to live OK. 'Why do  you need another day off, you already have two days at the weekend?'

Sometimes you have to reflect on your life, think about what makes you happy and what doesn't. What fulfills you and what brings you down. I struggle with anxiety and mental health, like most people. And I find it hard to stop being on the go all the time. My panic/anxiety attacks are a lot less frequent, thank goodness, and that is mainly because I just don't let the things that used to affect me. I don't care so much. The atmospheres around me have had a big impact on this too. When I feel that I am in a negative space, I try to distance myself from it. For work example, of course I have to work, but having one extra day makes me feel motivated, this job isn't going to be forever, I will find a much better career to work in that  will get me 'up the ladder' but for now, I am where I am. I have to wait until the time is right, go with the flow of what the universe wants me to do.If that means having to be in a little negative space, I have to deal with it instead of constantly running away.

And if I want to only work four days a week instead of five, why is that anyone's business but my own? Of course I will be ok, I am doing what makes ME happy.

Yes money is great, especially when you can treat yourself or others. But I would much rather be a bit more grounded, calm and happy than have lots of money in the bank.  Happiness, self love, knowing yourself and your limits. That's important.


Friday, 17 February 2017

Running from Grief

I watch the London Marathon most years, whilst sitting on the sofa, thinking 'I would love to do that one day'. Who knew that this year, 2017, I will actually be taking part and running 26.3 miles!!!

The reason I am running is to raise money for a cancer ward at a local hospital, as sadly my Grandad passed away in April last year with stage four cancer. I didn't want to face reality and actually believe that my father figure had died. He was everything and more of a Grandad should of been. He was a Dad when mine didn't care, he was a friend that always listened, he was my fun, loving Grandad who died of cancer. And I didn't want to think about the death bit. I tried everything in my power to not think about it. Think about something else that was sad like my breakup, or my loss of friends or how I was struggling with money to mask the loss.

Something just popped up into my mind randomly, I will run the London Marathon. I applied for so many charities, being rejected constantly. I emailed the hospital I am now running for and found out they had places. I filled in a form, and that was that. Applied. I had applied in May and hadn't heard anything, so I forgot about it. I got home from China at the beginning of October, and there it was, an email saying I got through!

'Crap', I thought. How am I, me the lazy girl that likes eating lots of cake and pretending to go for a long run  and end up walking most of it whilst moaning meant to run all of that distance? How am I meant to raise all that money? But I have, I have raised nearly all of my target of £1,500, I have tried to go running about 3/4 times a week. I even got a personal trainer to help me get fit and I can still eat cake!

All of this, the preparation for the marathon has helped me not be so sad about the loss of my Grandad. I have hardly cried. I am doing something good, in memory of my Grandad. To be able to help others  so they can get the help and care they need to hopefully kick cancer's ass and be able to live their life, a happy healthy one.

Want to sponsor me? Click here to be taken to donation page.


Monday, 13 February 2017

I travelled to China by myself!

I haven't posted on here for such a long time, it's taking me a while to get back into it and remembering what to do! So as you can see, Candy Camera is no more! I have been wanting to post for such a long time, but lacked motivation and ideas, but here I am, wanting to start a fresh, once again. 

I have been reading a lot about self love, confidence and healing recently as I am fed up of constantly feeling fed up and not have inspiration to do anything!! The last few years have been hard, super hard but it's the way you deal with it all to make you come out the other side smiling. 

Last year I decided to do something so big and scary and it changed my life forever. I travelled to China by myself. I only went for two weeks, and I met a tour of people when I was over there, but the whole going to China scared the life out of me. 

I wouldn't say I came back a different person, but I definitely came back having a bit more awareness of the world, people's different lifestyles and cultures, and to be a lot more grateful for the things happening in my life. 

I learnt so much on my trip to China, I spoke to people who were so inspiring, listened to life stories and was told so much advice on how to live my life with confidence and to fall in love with myself to be a stronger, happier 22 year old girl. 

I don't think I appreciated my trip at the time as much as I should of, I was in a weird place back then, mentally, I had arrived in China but wanted to get home again. Apart from friends and family, there wasn't much to go back for, so why was I wanting to get back and not enjoy this experience?? Now I think about my memories of my trip as such a great experience, a once in a lifetime opportunity and something I will treasure forever.

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